It’s 9:30 a.m. and I already want to take a nap. I had to take the trash out and one bag was too heavy, so I dragged it and it ripped open. Spaghetti noodles went flying everywhere, then a V8 bottle rolled down the street and some sort of flour went flying all over the grass. I ran after the huge expired V8 bottle before the red liquid leaked from it. It was a mess. I’m sorry to say I didn’t pick up the noodles, I just left them there. I should have put the expired V8 on top of the expired noodles and made expired dinner or something. I was very frazzled. I know, I know, I littered spaghetti noodles of all things!
Our cleaning lady had emptied out our pantry and she found a lot of crap in there that needed to be thrown out, but she has this habit of putting too much garbage in one bag. I’m not She-Ra or whatever, I’m just a woman with relatively little muscle tone. So it was a trip to carry the heavy bags. I know, I know, first world problems.
So I decide that I’m frustrated and I need an iced coffee that’s already made for me. So I’m in my pajamas, a nice turquoise t-shirt with striped turquoise pants. I look cute for sleeping, not for going to Starbucks. But hey, there is one not too far away that is a drive-thru.
So I get a vanilla sweet cream iced cold brew, with light ice, and a blueberry oatmeal. As I’m driving I get a phone call from my dad. “We don’t have milk, pick some up on the way, I have to make chai.”
“I can’t go to the store, I’m wearing my night suit.” Now let me explain. Indian people call pajamas “night suits.” I have no idea why and I don’t care. But very few Americans understand this. Or they call it “Pajama,” singular.
Anyways, my dad was like, “You went to Starbucks in your pajama?”
“It’s a drive-thru” I protested.
“Don’t you know, you are colored,” he actually said to me. “The police could tell you to get out of the car. Don’t you know what is going on these days?”
“Dad, why would they tell me to get out of the car, what am I going to get arrested for?” I ask in dismay kind of laughing, kind of wanting to cry.
“You are colored. They don’t need a reason.” My dad called me colored, so that happened. He was half serious and half joking. I’m sort of half serious and half joking about it myself.
I got the mail on the way back to the house. It’s true, I avoid getting the mail, sometimes until the box is full. Why you ask? Because it’s not like I get anything good. What could possibly be good about the mail? So I look through the tons of mail in the box and there they were, the love letters I get every month from my credit cards. I guess I should explain how I racked up some debt in the first place. I had a manic crazy shopping spree a couple months ago. Let me explain.
So I have super duper sensitive skin. I used to use bottled water to wash my face, that’s how gentle I needed my cleaners to be. So I have this delusion that I have Rosacea and every time face gets even a bit red, I freak out. I don’t have it, I just have sensitive skin, I can’t even use hot water to wash my face.
Over this year, for some reason or another, I bought two or three enormous makeup kits. I don’t use most of the products, but I have eyeshadow in every color known to man. And lipstick in every shade a lip can shade in. In fact one of the kits I have is like a small carry on suitcase, it has like compartments and shit. Yes, this is what I spend my money on.
But a few months ago, out of the blue, the fucking blue I tell you, I decide I’m going to completely change my face washes, moisturizers, and makeup. I’m convinced my skin can be smoother. Let’s just be realistic here for a moment, I have good skin. I don’t have acne and I don’t have wrinkles. So what is my problem? It’s psychological of course.
Anyways, so I first discover Pinterest and find out that all the specialized makeup for sensitive skin. I become momentarily obsessed with Pinterest makeup sites. I found like several different brands and products that may or may not work for me. I may or may not have bought all those products at the drug store.
Yes, I realize, it is a bit bizarre. At this time I got two new credit cards as well, so I thought I would use them. I mean why not? Isn’t that what you are supposed to do with credit cards? Since I was on this mission to get new makeup, I did extensive research on sensitive skin and what products to use, in fact, I should probably have a Ph.D. in sensitive skin care by now. It’s one of my unofficial degrees, in case anyone is interested.
This is when it starts to go haywire. Drugs store prices are reasonable, but I started to read about this product line called IT, that stands for Innovative Technology. IT Cosmetics are too expensive to be sold in drug stores. Now I’m not a spokesperson nor am I getting paid by IT Cosmetics, but I will tell you it is the best brand out there, period. (I am not officially endorsing them, but I will take money from them if they are interested.)
I decided I would go IT all the way and stop using all other products. This was before trying the IT products, mind you. This is what insanity looks like up close. I tried to return as many of the drug store products that I could, but I had opened them up and tried them so it was really a bust. Apparently though FYI: CVS will let you return anything even if it’s opened and used. Score!
I don’t know, but like a million plastic surgeons and dermatologists worked on the IT product line. So I tried to find some of their stuff at Sephora. It turns out that Sephora has very little IT Cosmetics. So I find out that Ulta has a lot more of their products. Slowly but surely, I bought four foundations, a face sculpting kit, mascara, powder, etc. etc. Then I proceed to order one of their kits online, that you have to call to stop or you will get a new kit every month. I realized in my second month that I had to cancel since I had so many IT products, I didn’t have space to store them. I also bought all of their moisturizers and face cleansing products.
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What is a face sculpting kit you ask? They also call it contouring, it is makeup you put underneath makeup. It supposedly sculpts your face so it looks more defined, so your features look better and your cheekbones look thinner. It just so happens when you try to sculpt your face and then put your regular makeup on, you may or may not look somewhat like a clown or a drag queen. Not that there is anything wrong with either of those kinds of people, hey clowns have feelings too! And drag queens are enormously entertaining, no? But you don’t exactly want to look like a performer in your everyday life. Even if you are going to a fancy party, do you really want to look like you have paint on your face? Do you ever, in any situation, want to look like you are wearing so much makeup it kind of looks like you got botched up plastic surgery that resulted in obvious colored streaks on your face?
I will tell you that IT cosmetics are brilliant for my skin. Period. End of sentence. I have been looking for this stuff my whole life.
When I first discovered makeup, I was like fourteen. Let’s just say less is more was not something I understood at that time. I would just wipe that stuff all over my face and expect that it was making me look beautiful. I didn’t know about the putting on makeup to look ‘natural’ phenomena yet. This was the early nineties, we were just giving up the heavy makeup of the eighties in our culture. And also, like the style of the eighties, I wanted to look tanner than I already am. Which is counterintuitive and a bit ironic considering that I have tan skin.
I had no idea that I was wearing too much foundation and too bright lipstick, but people were not shy to point it out to me. Oh well, you live, you learn. Then because I was using very bad products, I broke out into terrible acne one year. It was devastating, I’m not kidding. Especially for someone as vain as I was. But it subsided after a year and didn’t last long enough to leave scars.
Ever since then I have been paranoid about my skin. But now I’m paranoid about my debt. I mean we are not going to reveal numbers here, but I managed to rack up some credit with all the IT purchases. Now I use one of their foundations (that is allegedly going to make my skin better) and a couple other products. I do use their face cleanser which is absolutely fantastic.
I’m wondering now why I told this story. I don’t know, the moral of the story is, don’t waste your money on tons of makeup, you only need to wear very little to still look human. If you are a guy, stop saying that you want your woman to look good without makeup. It’s annoying to us who need a little help from products. And for those women who don’t wear makeup, I think you are awesome. I’m too insecure to not wear any at all, but I respect the actual natural look very much. Kudos.
P.S. I think men should start wearing makeup. I’m serious. I mean why not? They should have to try for us. I realize Michael Jackson botched up the whole men wearing makeup thing, but he was weird. Prince looked hot with eyeliner on.