Forty-Something Years in Ninaland

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Feb
24

Rain In My Head

© Fred Goldstein | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Fred Goldstein | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I know this is a weird question, I know I’m strange but, anyways. Do you ever wonder how to live? I mean how it’s supposed to be done. I guess the question really is what are we really here to do? Today so far I’ve woken up, drank two cups of coffee, showered, and now I’m sitting at work…writing my blog because I have no clients. One of my jobs is being a writing tutor. I’m telling you this because I had a mundane morning and I feel like I might have a pointless existence.

Perhaps I’m just bored and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s times like these when you can take a moment to take stock of your life. Did I come on this earth to tutor middle class students with writing? I also teach more middle class students in my classes how to write. I also write books on the side, books I hope that more middle class folks will buy. I use words like ‘folks.’

Am I doing a service to anyone? I’m not helping economically challenged children learn how to read and write. I’m not assisting Syrian refugees with how to learn English as a second language. There’s a whole bunch of stuff I’m not doing.

My father told me that teaching anything to anyone is ‘service.’ Perhaps. But am I doing something real, like making a difference in this world? I feel like writing this blog is the only form of real activism or something that I have the power to do. But realistically, only people who have access to computers can read this. Only people who can identify with my privilege will read this.

Sometimes I feel like I’m barely alive, that I’m not ‘living’ but going through the motions. I mean some people have kids; now that is something to live for. Raising a kid is really contributing to the world. I want kids too, but I’m worried that I will mess them up. Although there are kids that are already messed up, I mean how much more damage could I do? (I don’t want to know). It’s hard though, to you know, be a foster parent or adopt a child. Every kid is not as cool as Punky Brewster.

I want to do something real. Something I can truly be proud of. I have no idea what that could be.

Maybe you work for a car company or something and you can relate to my dilemma. I’m not suggesting we both quit our jobs and join the Peace Corps. I don’t know what I’m suggesting. Maybe even thinking about being a more useful human being is a start. Gandhi started out as a high-class lawyer.

But you and me are not Gandhi are we? We are just regular people trying to make it in the world. Trying to make ends meet. Trying to get ahead. Trying to be happy.

Is that enough? Should it be enough? We are just animals after all. All animals want is some food and a safe place to live. Every now and then they like to reproduce.

The only things that really makes us different than animals is that we can choose what to eat, where to live, and who to reproduce with. Besides that there ain’t much difference between us and them. Or is there?

We have this thing called a conscious, we are aware that we are thinking. I am aware that I have too much and do too little. The only real ‘service’ I’ve ever done is read to my blind father, but even he has talking books now.

What can I do? Why am I alive? I wish I could come to some grand conclusion that this life is just that, a life. Maybe our only job is to live it. Maybe our job is to love it, and love each other. I have to, after all this contemplation, believe the only real thing in this life is love. I do love quite a few people. I mean I really love them.

I should tell them. Or better yet, show them.

There is meaning in that. I got nothing else…I came here to love. I don’t know why you are here, but that’s my personal reason. You might have bigger and better goals; you might have more ideas and reasons to exist. Good for you.

For now I will stick to life as I know it, and when an opportunity to do something that really matters comes along, I might take. I might not. But at least I’m opening the door to think better and bigger thoughts. The rest will come when it comes.

nina

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 February 24th, 2016  
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