Forty-Something Years in Ninaland


Dying to Live

I wonder how many people feel like they are dying. I mean we all are, let’s face it, dying. I wonder if we would worry so much about little things if we realized, really truly realized, that it will all vanish soon. That we will no longer be in this life, in this form.

Is that depressing? I don’t know; it is sort of the truth. A way of looking at the truth. How many of us have died already? I think a lot of us are zombies. Maybe this really is the zombie apocalypse.

Pablo Neruda says that if you don’t travel or read you are dying. When is the last time you read something that wasn’t on the Internet, like an actual book? The last time I traveled was this summer, and the winter is starting to kill me.

I feel like I’m half alive sometimes. How many people are not satisfied with their jobs? I am finally happy with my job, however, that is after many years of trial and error. I hated working at one point so much that I thought I wasn’t meant to have a job. I realized in the end that it was the wrong jobs that were killing me.

What is killing you? This is making me sad. Do you kill your self-esteem? I don’t know how many times I have thought that I’m not worth it. Things like finding love and having a family, I sometimes think I don’t deserve these things.

We argued about the Death Penalty in my class the other day. One thing that came up over and over again is that there are worse things than death in this life. Putting someone in jail for the rest of their lives could be considered worse than death.

Are you in jail? One of your own making? If you answered yes, don’t worry. There is always a silver lining. Realizing that you have cancer of the soul is the first step in getting a cure.

What’s the cure for death? Really living. You can fight your metaphorical death by choosing to live. What does it mean to live, I ask again? I will answer it again and again in different ways.

It’s not about flowers, but it is about flowers. Smell them. Talk to them. Or better yet talk to someone who cares, who sees your worth. It’s true that we all die alone, but we don’t have to live alone. We need each other.

That may seem like an oversimplified answer to an ancient problem. But I see no other way out. I want to feel passion and make my heart beat faster. What do I feel passion for? I guess I feel passion for this very song I sing, this tune that I write.

You don’t know this but I sing when I write. I think I’m Adele at times. It’s very clear to me that I’m not, but I’m passionate about every song I sing. It’s little things like songs, and water that we don’t even notice. We have clean water: it’s so clear and wonderful.

© Steve Mann | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Steve Mann | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I know that seems mundane. But actually it’s not. If you don’t appreciate the small stuff you’ll never really appreciate the big stuff. Because every day it is only water that you can count on to be there for your bathing etc. We don’t think about these things, the beautiful water running through our fingers.

There are people who would die for clean running water. I don’t even give a shit about it most of the time. Not until I’m thirsty.

I think noticing the small things, that are actually big things, can change your life. I often feel blessed that I can see. My father is blind and has been for more than twenty years. The fact that I can see should be a reason to live.

There are so many beautiful things to see. And you don’t have to go to the Grand Canyon to see them. They are in your very backyard. Whether it’s squirrel, or a blade of grass, I know you have something mesmerizing to look at.

I think that most of us think you have to go after big dreams in order to be happy. I think it’s noticing the dreams you already have that can lead you to fulfillment.

So step outside, outside of yourself. Appreciate yourself. Appreciate life.

We don’t know what happens at death, but if it can’t be worse than your life, than maybe it’s time to change. Is this preachy? Is this obvious?

Maybe. Maybe you have heard it all before.

People who are close to death, older people and those that are sick, know something that we don’t yet know. They can see what is important in life before facing death. I don’t think we should have to wait until we get to that stage to appreciate our existence.

We all know the story: don’t work too much, don’t sweat the small stuff, love thy neighbor. I don’t even like my neighbors, but the other day the next door woman who I constantly judge as being some sort of backwards housewife, helped me shovel some snow when my car got stuck in the driveway. I didn’t ask for her help.

© Ostenbaken | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Ostenbaken | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I could just think it was nothing, her helping me in the freezing cold. But it was something. Something I can wrap my head around. Something tangible to which I can say, hey, people aren’t so bad.

I know that my neighbor loves flowers, she meticulously grows them in her yard. I think I will anonymously send her flowers one day. And the card attached will say: Thank you for all that you do. I notice you. I’m paying attention.

Yes, that might translate as creepy. But that’s the problem isn’t it? Someone would not even recognize a nice gesture in world where everyone is beating themselves up.

Give yourself a break. It’s time we realized that whether the cup is half full or empty, maybe we are looking at it all wrong. There is a cup with water in it. Thank god for that. It’s time to drink it.


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 February 27th, 2016  
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