Forty-Something Years in Ninaland


Dear Girl Scouts

girl scoutsDo you ever think you are a good person? Do you ever think you are a bad person? And maybe, just maybe, sometimes you are a stupid person? Like I bought two boxes of Girl Scout cookies today. I know, I know, I’m officially dieting and therefore I’m a bad person. But then the lady gave me change back for my twenty, she gave me four bucks less, I’m sure by mistake. I’m sure Girl Scout cookie moms don’t go around swindling customers.

The moment she gave me back the change, in my head I knew she gave me the wrong change But you know how that song goes, ‘you got to know when to go, know when to hold em’…you never count your money, they’ll be time enough for countin’ when the deal is done.” I didn’t count the money. I know, I know, I was buying Girl Scout cookies, not betting thousands of dollars.

Does that make me a good person? Not counting the money I mean. Now before you click off this screen because this story really has no point, let me tell you the moral. I went in the car and counted my cash. I was right, she stiffed me four dollars.

Why didn’t I go back and tell her? Because Girl Scouts is considered a good cause. Because I was a Girl Scout once. But the thing is, I don’t donate money. Period. I don’t have enough money that I can go around helping other people. I get emails from Bernie Sanders asking me for one dollar, and honestly, I don’t have a dollar to give him even though I love that man. If I ever wanted to donate to anyone, it would be to women in third world countries.

Did I have an extra four dollars to give to the Girl Scouts of America? No. But I didn’t go back in there because I felt like I would look like some cheap fool. And I am after all, a cheap fool. Maybe a stupid, cheap fool. I mean I’m still talking about this hours after it happened.

I didn’t need to spend eight dollars on cookies in the first place for many reasons. What is this all about anyways? I don’t know it’s a random story OK. I feel like the woman who sold me the cookies would have looked down on me if I asked her for the right change. I only didn’t face her because I was scared of her, not because I wanted to give Girl Scouts the extra money.

The things we do to be polite. I learned that in Girl Scouts, how to be lady like. I didn’t want to seem like a jerk. I truly did not want them to know what a jerk I really am. I’m sure Girl Scouts is a great cause, but if they came to my door asking for money without the cookies, let’s be real…a girl has to pay back her student loans.

coco chanel

I want to tell that to those girls. Those innocent faces selling delicious cookies they will later shun when they obsess about their body image. I want to tell them it’s not fair that companies like GM give large donations to the Boy Scouts of America, without even thinking about it. Girl Scouts have to sell cookies.

Get used to this, I want to tell them. Girls, get used to having to do double the work and getting much less of the pay. On the cookie box, the empty box in front of me, it says that selling cookies helps these girls learn Business Ethics.

Let me tell you about ethics: you are a girl and when you become a woman I can bet that at the first office job you get, someone will expect you to make the coffee. I worked on a floor with all men when I was much younger and they actually expected me to make the coffee. I refused. They looked down on me, and it scared me but I stood my ground. Then I was sexually harassed by one of the other male employees.

Girls it is OK, it is more than OK, to speak out about these kind of things…I’m sorry to tell you that statistically some kind of sexual violation will probably happen to you. Girls, it’s OK to be mad, not just sad.

Oh coffee, cookies…I just ate an entire box of do-si-dos, they are like nutter butters. These Girl Scouts that I bought from didn’t even have my favorite cookie: Tag Alongs, the chocolate peanut butter delights.

The box also says the girls learn People Skills. Girls let me tell you about people skills: you have to learn how to be that bitch that everyone respects and likes. Forgive me for using the word bitch, but you will learn what I mean. If you want your way, you only get it when you get a little tough.

The box further tells me that the Girl Scout Gold Award goes to a girl who does a project that makes a lasting difference in the world. Girls really think about what you want to do. Girls maybe you haven’t gotten your period yet, but you may have heard about it. Imagine if you were poor and living in the streets and you got your period without access to any feminine hygiene products. Girls, make sure to help other girls. One day instead of selling cookies, I’d like to see you giving out free tampons.

I know, I know, you are learning to be polite ladies and may not like the fact that I’m talking about being a bitch and wearing tampons. I don’t know if your Girl Scout leader will tell you about these things, so I will.

We did a fashion show in my Girl Scout troop many, many years ago. I learned how to be elegant and beautiful. At the same time the Boy Scouts were learning how to survive in the forest.

Of course that was a long time ago, and I’m going to hope things have drastically changed. Maybe there should just be ‘scouts’ of no gender who learn gender-neutral lessons. I know, I know I’m being incredibly politically correct. But girls, let me tell you something there might be a woman president soon. Girls, there is nothing you can’t do.

Girls listen to me, you are perfect just the way you are. Don’t worry about being perfect, worry about being happy. Girls I want to tell you, it’s OK to indulge in that box of cookies, it’s OK to cry when you get your period, it’s OK to hate boys. Girls you have plenty of time to fall in love and have sex.

Girls for now, think about how to survive outside the forest. While the boys are starting fires, learn to put them out. Girls they will accuse of being crazy. Let them.

Another trait that selling cookies gives you is Decision Making. I hope you make the decision to be strong, no matter what. I hope you dance. I hope you sing. Girls, you will need each other more than you realize. Boys will come and go, but your girls will be there for you through all your heartbreak.

“She’s a good girl, loves her Mama, loves Jesus, and America too…”—Tom Petty.

You don’t have to be a good girl. You don’t have to be a girl forever either. When you become a woman make sure you realize there will always be that little girl inside you though. That innocent girl.

Girls, you are precious. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.


girl scouts


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 February 28th, 2016  
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One Response to Dear Girl Scouts

  1. I love your stories! So glad I found them! Signed me, a faithful (new-ish) fan.

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