Narcissistic Interview (continued)…
I ask the questions, I answer the questions…
So it took you 5 years to write a book that is currently unpublished. Now you write a piece of work every day and show it to the world immediately. How long can you sustain this stamina?
I have no idea. I mean none. When I say I’m clueless I’m not lying. I want to do this for a while. It’s true it took me eons to write my first novel. It might be a practice novel. Now I’m submitting a lot of work at a fast pace. I have no clue how long I can keep this up.
Why am I doing this to myself? Honestly, it gives makes me happy that I can write something and share it. It’s like a one-way conversation with the world. It’s a good practice and honestly, if you break it down I’m only writing a few pages a day. The hope is that someone will pick up this blog and want me to publish a book.
What makes you think you are such hot shit when it comes to writing? Why are you so confident to put your work out in public?
Well, I’m not sure if I think I’m hot shit or if I’m willing to take a risk that maybe someone would understand what I have to say. I do have some credentials. I have a Masters in Fine Arts in Writing from Columbia University.
But as you probably already know, you don’t need an education in writing to be a writer. You need an education in life. You need to live. You have to spend some serious time experiencing a lot of shit. It really makes for great material. Life itself that is. You have to pay attention to it.
Are you confident enough that you won’t write the wrong thing or write something terribly bad?
Oh, I’m not confident about that at all. In fact, I am pretty confident I will mess up royally at some point. In fact I am going to give my blog password to a good friend of mine in case I start having a manic episode and start writing crazy stuff that is inappropriate. I told her to shut this all down if I start to go insane even for a minute.
I don’t need to publicize my ugly, ugly side. I mean there is ugly and then there is ugly. You think I expose my dirty dreams but I don’t, and if I did I would be embarrassed.
Do you ever want to erase or take back anything you have put on your blog?
Yes. Several times I have written about things and later looked at them in shock because I exposed myself so thoroughly. I didn’t erase the posts that I thought were too revealing, however. I have a love-hate relationship with them. I don’t want people to go back and read them, but I can’t censor myself enough to take them down.
You make it look so easy to express yourself? Is it that easy?
No. It is most definitely not easy. It can be like pulling teeth when I’m in a negative mood and can’t seem to find my muse anywhere like she’s playing hide and seek. Sometimes I can’t find the energy to seek her out. I know she’s there though, and that’s what keeps me going. Either I will find her or she will come back to me.
In fact right now, as I write this, I am feeling very blocked and a little negative. I am trying to be more positive but I kind of think I’m writing stupid crap right now. I’m not sure. I’m honestly very unsure of many of my blog posts many times until I get some feedback.
Just to give a glimpse as to how hard this is, I got up at 4:30 spontaneously this morning and decided to write, and I had two cups of coffee so I couldn’t go back to sleep. I struggled very hard to get anything out this morning. Now it’s almost twelve at night and I’m still up and my head is foggy but I could not think of a single thing to write until just now. And honestly, I’m not sure if this is the best I can do. I’m never sure.
I get nervous sometimes when I post stuff, or even when I’m writing. Sometimes revealing yourself is really stressful. However sometimes it comes easy, is fun and is the greatest experience ever. But it’s all inconsistent, at least in my world. That’s my experience.
So what makes someone a real writer?
That’s like asking what makes someone a real person. There are some people that seem like phonies. The same is true of writers. There are some people who are boring and cliché. That is true of writers as well. Some people are just idiots. In the same way, some writers are just bad.
Is good writing subjective? Hmmm…not really. Good writers and good critics can easily tell the crap from the good stuff. It’s more obvious than you might realize.
Does your misery give you material to the point where you don’t want to happy?
Very good question, nina. Under no circumstances do I want to be miserable. Ever. I want to be happy. Always. However, since that is not humanly possible, I use my pain to invoke meaning into my life. When unfortunate things happen I’m not happy about it so I can write about it. I’m not a masochist. I also do write about my happiness as well. Writing actually makes me very happy, whether I’m writing about happy stuff or not.
Can you write when you are feeling normal, acting normal, and everything is going normally in your life? Do you need madness to get to your muse?
When I’m feeling perfectly average and the world is going perfectly fine, it can sometimes be harder to get to a place that is deep enough to express something meaningful. I will be honest, I’m feeling fine right at this moment, but I feel like I can’t get these words out right with the same ease as I sometimes have when I don’t feel so normal. Sometimes I’m high on writing and high on life, and sometimes my best writing comes from those times. Same with the times when I’m sad or upset. When I feel crazy I usually write terribly. When I feel totally balanced sometimes I feel empty.
Is that weird? Maybe it is maybe it is normal. What is normal anyways? It’s a myth, there may be no such thing. But when I feel close to what society deems as normal I often feel like it’s harder for me to have something to write down. Harder to have something to say. When I’m feeling happy I can often right very well. It’s not that being happy is not normal for me, but I don’t think that it’s what we consider normal in our society.
Is your fiction all autobiographical, and about your life?
Sometimes, sometimes I purely make it all up. I mean all of it. So don’t be so sure you can psychoanalyze a writer by looking at their work. The imagination is funny and unpredictable. I often take real people and events and twist and turn them into something new altogether.
Where is your favorite place to write?
The world. It’s like I’m chasing Pokemon. I will go anywhere to find good material. I think this invisible force of creativity is everywhere. I’ve written in a department store, Macy’s to be precise. I’ve written on the floor of the bathroom, I’ve written on a desk, in cafes. I usually write in my living room on the couch facing a bunch of windows that look out to some trees.