Nina: The Inconsistent Blogger

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Aug
24

An Honest Facebook Post

 

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What I want to say on Facebook but can’t because everyone else looks so damn happy and perfect:

I’m lonely sometimes. I have friends but I fear it is not the kind of loneliness that someone else can fill. I feel lonely sometimes when I’m around other people. This is bigger than just being alone. This is worse.

My friend called me a liar the other day. She was right, I tell white lies and try to hide things I can’t face. Still, to be found out and labeled like that kind of bites.

So even the friends that I do have, know I’m by no means perfect.

I take too many pills, I’m overweight and underpaid. I can be a lazy procrastinator.

I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer…there are good things going on in my life. I’m losing weight, I’m trying to get some work published and I’m good at teaching and writing. I’ve been feeling better psychologically since January when I started taking a new medication for Bipolar Disorder.

I’m sort of happy at the moment.

Yet the truth is, I have been in and out of depression for ten years. In the last eight months, I started this new drug and I’ve felt much better. However, I lost ten years of my life fighting off depression. Why didn’t I change medications sooner? I was afraid I might rock the boat and end up sicker than when I started.

I’m embarrassed it took me ten years to figure out this shit. I feel ashamed and guilty that I have been depressed for so long. I feel deprived of my thirties. I know it’s not my fault in my head, but not in my heart.

The good news is that I’m over that at the moment and am feeling pretty great. I’m working, writing and acting like a normal human being. Sometimes I don’t know what normal people do when they are not trying to hide from the world. I have re-entered the land of the living and sold some property on ninaland.

This is my real face that I’m showing you, it’s a verbal selfie. It wasn’t taken in a flattering light. I don’t have any makeup on and it wasn’t filtered.

I think I look fat in this picture…

****

But seriously let me tell you something, all of us have a darker side. If you are reading this perhaps you don’t feel as alone with your own struggles. I’m not suggesting that everyone go out and bare their private souls on Facebook. What I am saying is that when you are perusing social media, remember that everyone is showing their best face, in the best light, sometimes filtered.

Sometimes when I go through Facebook I feel like I’m not having as much fun as my friends who are going on vacations to exotic locales or having parties I’m not invited to, or running marathons that I would never run. Even though it is small and petty to be envious, it happens to the best of us.

I’m having fun in my life; don’t get me wrong. But at the moment I don’t have the funds to go to a faraway vacation destination. I don’t have the physical fitness to run a marathon, but I go to my share of parties and social gatherings. However, I don’t post anything on Facebook besides this blog. I’m not sure exactly why.

Perhaps I don’t post my regular life events on Facebook because I honestly don’t think anyone would be that interested. Even if I went to Hawaii and looked great in a bikini, does anyone besides me really care? Not that I begrudge your bikini pictures, but perhaps the truth is I’m not comfortable with pictures of myself because I think I look bad in pics and I always, always, always look fat. Fatter than I am in reality, I believe.

But usually, the reason I go on Facebook is to read the news and interesting articles and find out what my friends are up to. Inquiring minds want to know, and I’m no different. I want to be all up in everybody’s business just like the next girl. Most of the time when I see you looking your best and having a good time, it makes me truly happy for you and gives me some kind of hope for myself.

After examining Facebook in depth I have come to the conclusion that some people do have a ‘perfect’ life. No, I’m not kidding. There are truly happy individuals in this world who are thriving in every aspect of their lives. Good for them. More power to them. After all, isn’t that what we all want, a well-balanced peaceful and happy life?

****

Then there is the rest of us. This might be our true Facebook post:

We have trouble with mornings and Mondays and if you catch us before we have coffee you might start believing in evil. I’ve been up for four hours but am I really awake yet? I sometimes ask myself that question.

I sing out of tune in the shower but am always convinced I’m the next Whitney Houston. I have put my coffee on top of my car and drove away without picking it up more times than I care to remember. Sometimes I’m tired, crazy and moody. I’ve considered plastic surgery, mostly a tummy tuck.

I pay the minimum payments on my credit card and I’m not really sure how I’m going to retire, ever, considering I have had a negative balance in my bank account more than once. My credit is less than perfect and my BMI is higher than desirable. I’ve been on a diet since 1999. I haven’t been to the gym in more than a year, or has it been two? I honestly don’t remember.

That’s it, that’s all I got. My confessions are all on the page instead of to the priest. And remember there is much I will never tell you. Some stuff I don’t even tell god.

Is this a post you would ‘Like’?

nina

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