Forty-Something Years in Ninaland

A Blog to Myself—Repost

Jan
27

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A Blog to Myself

                                                 


Let’s talk about something really serious here, the things we do to hurt ourselves.  What are we doing to ourselves and why?  Most likely no one is hurting you as much as you are hurting yourself.

I’ll tell you what I do…I feel guilty about my depression.  I feel like it’s my fault, that I could have stopped it from happening, every time it happened.  I feel scared that it will happen again.  

But it’s not my fault, it’s not like I said to myself, “You know what would be fun…being sad!”  And if it happens again, it happens again.

I don’t want to tell you this, that I was a functioning depressive for many years.  Functioning meaning I got straight A’s in grad school.  I could be the life of the party.  But I was hiding my real self.  

Someone told me to blog to myself.  That’s kinda what I’m doing.  I don’t know if I will publish this…if I do please know that it was hard for me to say these things out loud.  

So tell me what do you do to yourself?  What things about your life and your self do you beat yourself up about?  You don’t have to tell me, you can tell yourself though.  

In my head, I know my depression is not my identity.  I am now convinced that the only thing that is my true identity is the part of myself that is aware of reality.  That part of myself that watches and participates in this show.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m not a good singer or performer, but I will tell you this:  I put quite a show on for many years.  I acted normal around everyone.  No one knew what I was hiding. 

Well, I’m done with that chapter, I’m on to the next adventure.  I want to be true to myself.  Even if I can’t sing and dance like the others that’s not gonna stop me from singing and dancing to my own tune.  Literally.

Everyone can sing along to this:  “You don’t know how it feels, no you don’t know how it feels, to be me!”  Tom Petty was on to something…

I don’t know what it feels like to be you.  I can only share what it feels like to be me.  But beware that I’m only sharing what I want to share, and that’s my right as well as yours.  

I can’t share what it’s truly like to be depressed because I’m too close to it, it’s too raw.  But let me tell you what it’s like to wake up from a depression.

The sky is bluer.  People are in three-D all of a sudden.  Songs on the radio were written for me.  People are lovelier. 

It’s like I’m in love.  I’m in love with life.  

They say you can’t see the light without the darkness. Maybe you can’t see yourself until you see who you are not.  I am not the darkness that I experienced.  I am a light.

You are too, whether you know it or not.  

Alright already all this serious talk is getting me hungry.  I’ve lost some weight by the way, probably because I’m happier and not emotionally eating. 
 

However, the most important thing I have been doing to be well is meditating and trying to be present.  Writing this very blog is helping as well.  Thank you for being there, wherever you are, whoever you are.  

Today I am grateful.  It’s good to count your blessings, I mean I really I have quite a lot going for me.  Things are good.  I even met a guy.  Of course, he doesn’t know I have a blog, mostly because I’m not ready to tell him I’m Bipolar.

How exactly and when exactly do you bring up your mental illness to a dude?  What am I supposed to say, by the way there was a time in my life I was bat shit crazy, but I’m totally sane now!  Seriously…

I mean I know I can phrase it like a pro, I have before.  But the truth of the matter is I could get crazy again.  I’m doing everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen, but what if it does? What if I push away all the good things that are going on in my life because I’ve lost my sense of reality?

Eventually this guy I’m going to “date” is going to read this and question himself and question me.  How do I work that out?

I don’t know, I really don’t know.  I have to trust that things will be as they are meant to be.  I believe the universe or whatever will do what is best for me.  And more importantly, I believe in myself in a way I did not before.

I mean this guy likes me despite that fact that I’m, well let’s just say I’m curvaceous.  I’m not even scared to be in a relationship, which I think I was for some time.  Although I’m not always a fan of my naked self, but I can sort of deal with it.
 
I don’t want to cry but I do cry sometimes because life is so hard.  For many years it was hard for me to get out of bed.  But that’s over.  I’m OK.  In fact, I’m good.  I am just about fantastic.

You know some people wonder why I bare my soul to the world, the reason I do it is because I love doing it and because somebody out there has to relate.  Somebody out there can’t get out of bed either.  Somebody out there is suffering in some kind of way and maybe for a moment, they feel like someone has been where they’ve been.

I haven’t been to Iraq and fought in a war like a couple of my good friends.  I have fought a war in my own head, though.  I’m gonna go 
ahead and say I’ve won that war.  I’m not gonna say it is per say over, I have to have my guard up, but in this way, I’ve conquered the enemy.  

And I found out who the enemy was.  It was me.

But wasn’t I counting my blessings?  I have so much, more than I can thank god for.  Maybe more than I deserve but I believe we get exactly what we deserve in this life, in this way…karma baby.

Karma can be a real bitch but I do think it is a universal law.  I mean I’m not like completely sure what the universe is up to or anything, and either are you.  However, I’m a dreamer and of the belief that it all ends good.  There is no way this story ends badly.

Yeah, we are all gonna die.  But I think we are connected to infinite beauty and love that never ends.  

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

I’m grateful for that.

nina

 Image courtesy of jscreationzs/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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