It’s true. My parents tried to set me up with the carpet salesman at Art Van Furniture store. No, I’m not kidding.
It all started rather innocently. I went to Art Van on behalf of my parents to find a couch. Let’s be clear, I volunteered to go because they can have odd to horrific taste, depending on the season. I had to save us from a blue and red checkered sofa.
After finding a couple light gray leather couches they asked me to locate the carpet department and find out the prices. I was annoyed I had to do this because I had already been there for two hours. So I get to the carpet section and immediately sit down while the salesman is talking to someone else. I may have looked as though I wanted to have a serious conversation about carpet but in all honesty, I was just tired and wanted to sit down after trolling around the entire store.
I know the color, the brand and how many square feet. This will be snap snap quick and then I can go get some sushi, is what I was thinking. The bald attractive salesman asks me to wait a minute and I start daydreaming about what spicy salmon sushi rolls I want. I was hot, tired, thirsty and hungry, that combo does not always look good on me. I looked like a mess, my hair was everywhere and I wanted out of there.
“So how can I help you?” Dan the carpet man asks. The names have been changed in this story to protect the innocent. Dan himself looks very innocent, like the kind of guy next door who will mow your lawn for free innocent. I thought he was cute as well, he was bald with a very good solid nose. Noses are everything to me
Anyways. We start chatting and I tell him how I live in my parents walk out basement. He tells me he lives with his parents as well because he doesn’t like being alone. This is the thing about living with your parents at my age: a lot of people in America look down on it. In almost every other country however inter-generational living is the norm. So I know I’m considered a weirdo but apparently, he is one too.
So we start chatting about this and that. I’m super thirsty so I ask him for some water, he brings me two water bottles. He’s very kind, considerate, nice and not a bad guy. So I’m drinking the cold water and I may or may not have mentioned my life story, I really can’t remember well what I said. However, it seemed as though after spending two hours looking for the perfect leather couch, I needed to bear my soul to the carpet salesman. I felt a certain catharsis by sitting there.
His boss was a funny woman with a bright hot pink top on. I told her I loved her shirt and we started talking about the sales at Macy’s. Even talking about shopping gets me excited. So at this point, all three of us are laughing and joking and having a good old time. For a moment, a thought may have passed through my head about the carpet dude. I mean he was decent looking, had a decent personality. But then I proceeded to go home and completely forget about him.
Well, my parents went to Art Van to make the final purchase of the carpet and apparently he was ‘asking and talking’ about me. Now according to my mother, he was very interested. If he even hinted towards asking if I was alive, that would be enough to set my mother on a matchmaking tirade.
So my father asked me something the next morning, he is blind so he asked, “Is Dan good looking?” I looked at him and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, he’s good,” I said without missing a beat. I knew what was coming. My dad’s ever so subtle. Then my mom came into the picture and was like, he was asking your age etc. I’m sure he wasn’t asking in the way that my mom suggested, he may have been like I met your daughter and period, end of sentence.
I thought that might be the end of it. However, there is no end to the matchmaking in my life. No end until or if I get married. So my mother chose a bright, shiny hot red carpet for the basement where I live. She called it cranberry, I called it Christmas red, I’m only thankful she didn’t add green, for effect. We use Christmas wrapping paper for all our gifts, including weddings and birthdays, cause why not? They are grand colors, are they not?
I ran to Art Van in the middle of traffic time at the last possible moment I could change the color of the basement carpet before it was set in stone. So I ran into the carpet department, all flush and perspiring. There was Dan, he looked handsome I thought to myself. But that was not my primary concern. My main objective was to remove the blood red carpet from my place.
So I talked to him and told him that my eccentric mother had chosen this color that I was vehemently against. I saw the color and it was brighter and redder than I had imagined. It was not cranberry, it was more like apple red. I hate apples and I didn’t want pure red carpet under my feet.
So me and Dan started chatting again as I picked out a normal nice light gray color for my carpet. He asked me if I wanted to take home a sample and have it approved by my mother. Oh Hell No! I said. We don’t need her opinion on this matter anymore. He looked confused. I said something like, you’ve met my mom right? He said she was delightful. Delightful? I thought to myself. I love the shit out of my mother but she can be a trip sometimes. She can put on a good normal face though for strangers at times.
I went to Macy’s once and this woman was like, “Your mother is the light of this store!” My mother? Are you talking about the same woman who tells me to put random creams from infomercials on my stomach in order to lose weight? Apparently yes, they love her almost as much as I do. One woman said she was my mother’s adopted daughter. I don’t know how to compete with that shit, let me tell you. I guess she was the obedient daughter my mother never had.
So I digress, Dan loved both my parents, or so he said. Both my parents loved him. It was a match made in heaven.
However I talked to him for a while, I’m not going to lie, I was trying to see if we had any chemistry. He was the nicest human being and very intelligent, but he just didn’t have that thing I was looking for. I think we got kind of bored talking to one another after a while.
I left and told my parents that I was not going to be dating Dan the carpet man from Art Van.
They were disappointed and pointed out how picky I am and how single I am. Could there be a connection?
However, the truth is, the only boy who could ever reach me, wasn’t a carpet man.