My Real Match.com Profile
Dear prospective suitors, please read this entire profile before contacting me, if you don’t you might regret it…
After reading this profile I can almost guarantee you won’t date me. So why am I being so honest? Because I want to find that one guy out there who can love me for me.
So here we go:
I am crazy. I know a lot of people use the word ‘crazy’ in jest, I’m not doing that here. I’m dead serious. I’m Bipolar. When I say I’m certifiable, let’s just say the certificates were given out and I got the medal for being mental. Let me tell you what kind of awards I received. All I will say is I’ve been in a psych ward and I wasn’t visiting. I’ve been locked in a padded room and it wasn’t a yoga studio. I’ve screamed “Fuck you!” to every doctor, nurse, or patient that passed me in the hospital when I was locked in said room. I also screamed, “You can’t do this! I know my rights! I know my rights!” I’m not sure precisely what rights I was referring to but I sure as hell knew them.
I have had delusions. I have thought that I was being stalked by invisible men, who actually existed in real life. I thought I was on the Nina Show, quite similar to the Truman Show. I thought I was on a reality show but didn’t know it my whole life. When I saw security cameras I thought I was being taped. I have thought worse things which I will not mention before the first date.
I once laughed so hard that people thought for sure I was doing hard drugs. What was I laughing at, you ask? There was this hilarious voice in my head, I wish I remembered his jokes. I’m sure there are individuals in this world who still believe I’m a drug addict, even though I’ve only smoked pot in my life. It makes me hungry, it’s not good for my diet so I quit.
I may or may not have sent looooong love letters to a man who I thought was the love of my life. He did not share this thought. Poor guy, never even did or said anything about it. Kept my crazy confidential. I’m sorry. To him, I’m sorry. I sent him gifts as well. I never followed him around, is that still technically stalking? Hmmm…
Yup, that’s me.
I am a bitch. I know, I know, you don’t like that word. No one likes to be called that word, even me. But let’s face it, I sent out an email demeaning my best friend to all her friends in my thirties. I yelled at my father on the phone because I was convinced his blindness had been cured by the love of my life and he never told me, in my twenties. My sister claims I spit on her when she was five and I was ten. I definitely pushed her off the couch once and broke her arm when we were kids.
I wasn’t a mean girl in high school, I was weird, straight up strange. I wore hippie clothes and studied astrology and numerology. They called me The Metaphysical Vegetarian at my school paper that I wrote for. I had a 3.3 GPA but got into U of M because I wrote a sob story about how I had started high school with a 3.0 and went up to a 4.0 by junior year because I had been inspired by my so-called dysfunctional family. They thought the improvement was moving or something I think even though I did highly mediocre on the SAT and ACT. I got a D- in Calculus senior year and literally fell asleep during the A.P. exam. Don’t worry boys, I still eventually got into grad school after bombing the GRE.
So does that mean I’m not smart? That’s for me to know and you to find out.
I have restless leg syndrome. So if you are planning on sleeping with me, you might want to sleep on the floor or something cause I may kick you off the bed. I talk and very occasionally walk in my sleep as well. I most likely won’t kill you in my sleep by accident, but I can make no promises. It’s probably more likely I’ll do it on purpose. That’s the reason they don’t let me buy a gun.
I have a delusion that I have Rosacea but actually, my skin just gets pink when I’m stressed. I’m so high maintenance that I used to use bottled water to wash my face. I have more makeup than the average drag queen. I don’t wear it all at once, I don’t really wear that much, but am convinced I don’t look good without it. It’s a real possibility that I look scary without makeup.
I hate my weight but if you dare say I’m fat, it will probably end badly for you.
I don’t respond well to fetishes, S&M or painful things in the bedroom.
Besides that, I’m a real hoot. You will meet no other woman like me ever in your life, good, bad, or ugly.
That is the truth.