Forty-Something Years in Ninaland



Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

We are all just striving to act like we are alive. Which one of us living, which lie? We are all standing in line to make a mistake. I’m first in line. You’ve made me, that wasn’t an error of judgment because now I am who I am.

Here’s a story: Sometimes I feel a long horrid empty boredom. I am going to a live play tonight and dinner, what is there to be sad about? When you are standing in the air, barely breathing, while I laugh, at the world. You cry because of the world.

I have too much while you don’t have enough. How can I live then? How am I supposed to breathe?

I want to breathe for you in your hands I want my face to touch yours. I want to breathe in your scent, your lovely air.

There are too many of us in this world. How did we find one another? Was it chance? Is it truth? They call it true love?

That’s a question, but I don’t need an answer. I need your skin to touch mine, inch by inch. You said you would kiss every part of my body. Don’t miss a spot.

You won’t let me help you, you wonder if I will help myself, die. Neither one of us living without the other. None of us will die until the time is right.

You said you loved me, it seems like years ago. You say it has only been days, I say life is a collection of days. What day is it today?

Will we know each other by tomorrow at this time? You say you know my name, but you never say my name. How many names do you have? When it rains outside, that’s the only time I know how to say you. Rainman, don’t stand in the way of my dance. I dance for you, so you will come down from the clouds and whisper my name in my ear.

Let’s hold hands like lovers do. Give me your rainy hand. Let’s be together through this one, this storm where we sit in silence. They call it life, I call it a lie.

Photo by Geetanjal Khanna on Unsplash

We are miles away but you said distance is a figment of my imagination. When you say that you imagine that we are one. You once said we are one. I told you I don’t know how to do the right thing.

Your sleepy eyes show me everything I need to see. I tell you a lie and you tell me the sky is waiting for me.

I told you about the monsters under the bed and the demons in my head. You say we will all play pretend as if we are not already putting on a show.

Thoughts are free they say. I will give you a dollar for the right words. Write me a note about the end of time. Don’t you dare say anything about the end of us…

Sing my name, to the sky. Sing it loud, sing it high. Say no more than that. You don’t have to come up with words and clever conversation. I just want us to let go…

I was told I would be free.

I was told I would be free

None of this was my idea.

Photo by Pedro Gabriel Miziara on Unsplash


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