Forty-Something Years in Ninaland

Dear Mind,

Aug
23

Photo by Miguel Salgado on Unsplash

I am always wondering what is going on with you? Lately, I have felt flat like there is not much going on in my mental capacities. You think you control me. I don’t want you to control me. I want to be in control of you. Then who am I if I am not you? Where are you, anyways?

Do I need to use you, to control you?

If I decide to watch my thoughts as they go by, then I’m watching my mind’s activity, but am I not doing that with my mind? There must be another thinking, feeling part of my body that is not my mind, through which I can control my mind.

I think it’s my soul.

You, my mind, have to make friends with my soul. This relationship is very important, for me.

Sometimes I think you have taken over my very being. You think I am nothing without you. But I can conquer you, you are full of negativity and repetitive boredom. How many times a day do you worry about the same thing over and over again. Whether it be you worrying about money, or relationships. Money again.

Why do you think about money so much? I know I don’t have enough but to repeat the anguish over that over and over again is like torture.

When I lose you, do I make you crazy or do you make me crazy?

What do you really want, you, my mind? What do you want from me? Do you want me to focus on frivolity instead of really being present in my life? When I’m sitting with another human being, why do you want me to think about the grocery list?

Why are you not always my friend?

Remember, I own you, not the other way around.

I want us to be friends. I want you to do what I tell you to do, and I want you to tell me to do what I want you to do.

Basically, you serve me, and not the other way around.

What do you want me to be? I want to be free. So free I don’t even have to answer to you.

And again, do you even exist? Where are you? In my brain? In my left arm?

You can make or break me, you know that. Make me. Make me who I want to be. You may be the worst part of me, but I want to get to know you. Get to know me. Find out who I really am. Help me be that person.

I hope you don’t mind, but if you don’t do that right thing, I mind.

To meditate is to be outside of you. To live, to be, to really be present, is to put you aside.

Come with me, I will show my garden.

nina

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