Forty-Something Years in Ninaland

The New Nina


Photo by Sabri Tuzcu on Unsplash

I’ve been missing for a minute here. Where did I go? I’m not quite sure, but it was a restful place. I was tired, very tired. But hopefully I’m awake now.

I’ve decided I’m redoing myself. I’m calling it The New Nina. What is The New Nina about? She’s all about getting her shit together, she actually got a book called, Get Your Shit Together. So you may be asking, what shit I’m talking about and how do I get it together? That’s a really good question.

It’s all very precarious I guess to wonder, to wonder anything at all about yourself. I wonder why I don’t write for long periods of time, months, then start writing every day. Why am I so crazy?

Is that question actually answerable? Do you know why you are so crazy if you are so crazy?

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, that’s the problem. I’m just saying and saying and it feels so good. So clean, like I’m washing my brain out. If you want to feel clean on the inside, try this at home.

The New Nina is not going to plagued by the ‘happiness’ of those smiling faces on Facebook. She is going to realize that Facebook is a show, just like any other show that’s gone on too long, it should be canceled. So why don’t I opt out of Facebook and just never look at it again? Because I am forever nosy, I need to know what you are up to. Yes, you. I want to know what you bought at the store and if you like cheese or bananas.

But I also am studying you. What makes you happy? I’m starting to think happiness is not some sort of long stretched out elongated state of mind that lasts for eons. Happiness to me is a moment. From one moment to the next. In this moment I am happy. In the next, I may not be. It moves around, this happy thing. It doesn’t seem to sit still, yet when I try to chase it, it runs away. When I sit here and let it come to me, I am the most full.

This new person I would like to become is older, a little wiser, but still surprised at life. Surprised that life goes on even when I take a break and decide I want to stand away from it. I was depressed for a minute there, and I stood outside of life and stared at it. It didn’t look pretty to me at that moment, but it was there nonetheless. Life stays, as long as you are willing to stay. Life won’t leave you, people will.

My grandfather used to ask me, “But what is the purpose of life?” And I often wonder if I have an answer to that. I think the purpose of life is what you make it be, it’s your choice. It is what we want it to be. I want the purpose of my life to be to express and connect with others my truth and reality. Is that too vague? I don’t know.

Truth and reality are very non-descript kind of words. If you don’t give them meaning they mean nothing. And that is the answer right there. If you don’t give yourself meaning, no one else will. I decide. I decide who I am and what and why I’m doing what I’m doing.


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